Haruhi vs Kyon
by Col98
Summary: Kyon and Haruhi get into a fight which leads into a game of capture the flag, wait what?


It started off as a simple quarrel. But it evolved into something much, much worst. Haruhi and Kyon were on a date one day when suddenly, as commonly as it happens, a disagreement came over them. It was Valentines Day. The both of them went over to a nearby restaurant to have dinner after watching Saw 4 in a cinema. Saw 4, which was really, really disgusting more than it was scary to a certain degree left a very scarred Kyon and a very "inspired" Haruhi.

Once they reached the cinema Haruhi wanted to share just one drink with Kyon. She wanted to drink off one glass and she'd just drink with Kyon through the same straw that was shaped like a heart. But Kyon was thirsty, he didn't want to do such a simple thing. And he also considered that this action was so out of character for Haruhi. But it didn't matter because yeah, it's Haruhi no matter what you say to her she'll still do whatever it is that she wants.

They drank from the same glass but Kyon was thirsty. He drank really, really fast and Haruhi barely drank anything. On a side note Haruhi was the one who paid for the drink. She complained about this to him but Kyon was like, 'You expect me to have money? You spent it on those random stuff!'

'What random stuff!?' 

'Those... stuff!'

'What?'

'You better be saying what.'

'What?'

'Yes.'

'Kyon are you feeling alright?'

'Nooooooo... Yes. I want to break up with you.'

'Eh?'

'I am so sick! Of being treated this way! I'm-I'm not your boyfriend I'm your freakin' slave! All you do is drag me around forcing me to do things I don't like, making me sex you... anyway, seriously Haruhi! I'm like your walking wallet, your talking pet dog, your freakin' sidekick! But no Haruhi, I'm not going to leave you because we share a bond of trust and because I love you, I will stick with you 'till the end because I can't stand a day without you...' Kyon lowers his head and begins some hysterical crying.

'Kyon...'

'...Wha-What?'

'Have you become retarded?'

'No... just all this kept inside emotion I guess...'

'This is what happens if you keep acting like a 50 year old guy in a teenager's body.' 

'Yeah, hey I know how we can solve this little problem of yours.'

Kyon raised his teary eyes and stared at Haruhi. She had that disturbing manerismic... what... manneris**tic** smile of hers. It was obvious to Kyon that she had really, freaked out idea going around in that head of hers again. He prepared himself mentally for whatever randomness was about to ensue. 

'Do you want to play a little game?' Haruhi leaned over close to Kyon.

'What kind of game?'

She just smiled and Kyon immediately knew what that smile meant. She... wanted... to... play a game.

* * *

**Chapter 1:  
The Calm Before the Storm**

* * *

Kyon and his assembled team of men and Koizumi met in a small square room located somewhere in the school campus the next morning. The team composed of Kyon as the team leader, Taniguchi as the resident annoying guy who never gets the girl, Kunikida as the closest resemblance to Nagato as possible, Koizumi as Koizumi and finally, wait what? Those are **all** the male characters in the series? Damnit.

Anyway...

Kyon walked over to the nearby covered blackboard and opened it. Behind it was a printed blueprint of the school grounds. Kyon took a stick and he pointed at a point on the blackboard. 'Ok, so this is where we are...'

'Nice we're right next to the calligraphy club. Mikuru...' Taniguchi stared up at the ceiling and he blushed as he closed his eyes. 

'Taniguchi. Mikuru isn't in the calligraphy club anymore. She's with the SOS Brigade now remember? Haruhi kidnapped her remember?'

Taniguchi crossed his arms and shifted his eyes.

'As I was saying.' Kyon smacked the stick against the blueprint. 'This is where we are. There are 5 positions as to where we can place our flags and--'

'Why flags? Can't we use like banners or something?'

Kyon sighed. 'Taniguchi, it's called capture the flag. Not capture the banner.'

'But yeah, but flags are heavy.'

Kyon picked up a flag on a foot long stick. 'This is heavy?'

'Uhm... no... but banners are lighter.'

'You know what, ask Haruhi all right? This was her idea not mine.'

'Ok.' Taniguchi rolled his eyes again.

Kyon coughed and fixed his collar. 'Back to business now--'

'So you guys have a fight and you're solving this through a game of capture the flag?' Taniguchi.

Kyon groaned aloud.

* * *

Haruhi and her assembled group of women and Nagato met in an equally square room but it had more lighting and decorations in it. Ok fine, they all met up in the same SOS club room happy? The team was composed of Haruhi as the leader, Mikuru as the cute adorable smexy girl who's probably going to be used to seduce some of the men, Nagato as the quiet character and Kyon's sister as... Kyon's sister. Oh yeah, there's also Tsuruya as Koizumi's replacement as the vice leader. This was because Haruhi thought that she's equally eccentric.

'Ok! Ok! Ok! Let's get down to business!!' Haruhi shouted out as she **intensely walked over to her desk**. She sat down and immediately ordered a cup of tea from Mikuru who was toddling around the room in that maid outfit of hers.

She drank down the hot tea in one big gulp and she then proceeded to looking slowly at the people in the room.

'Ladies!'

Silence.

'Ahem... Ladies!'

Silence.

'You know what screw it.' Haruhi coughed and she crossed her legs. 'We are gathered here today to fight a common enemy. Kyon.'

'Your boyfriend what did he do?' Tsuruya.

'He didn't do anything, this was my idea.'

'Wait, so you're the one that did something wrong and now you want to kill him? You guys are messed up.'

'Tsuruya-what? I didn't say anything about killing him!'

'Well, you called him our enemy and you said that we were going to fight him... so I would assume, that since the words "enemy" and "fight" were in the same sentence that we were going to kill him.' Tsuruya crossed her arms and thought.

'Well no I don't want to kill him.'

'Oh... uhm... incapacitate him?'

Silence.

'I'm sorry. Go ahead Haruhi.' 

'Tsuruya?'

'Yes?'

'What happened to your accent?'

'What accent?'

'Your... you know, accent.' 

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'This is creepy.' Haruhi found herself staring at Tsuruya for a moment. A weird feeling came over her then she just shrugged it off. 'Let's get to business.' she coughed. 'As you might all know, Kyon and I are in a tidbit of a misunderstanding. What do you norms call it again? Uhm... Lovers Quarrel or whatever. _That is the lamest term that anyone can think of._ So, the both of us have decided that we could prove to each other who's better by engaging in a little game of capture the flag...'

'How do you play capture the flag?' Kyon's sister spoke out. She was seated next to Nagato by the way.

'Oh basically...'

'Yeah how do you play capture the flag?' Mikuru interrupted as she placed some tea in front of the rest.

'I was just about to expla--' Haruhi was growing a bit impatient now.

'Is this the explanation?' Tsuruya casually asked.

Haruhi gripped the table to control her temper. 'Yes.'

'Get on with it then.' Tsuruya.

_Man, why is everybody such a jerk today? _Haruhi asked herself that but after a while shejust let it go. 'You basically just put flags around the campus and at the break of light tomorrow the teams go around hunting each other's flags.'

'That sounds laaaame.' 

'Tsuruya shut it.'

'No.'

'It's not going to be boring.'

'I said la--'

Staaaaaaaare.

'Ok I'm done talking.' Tsuruya sat down, crossed her arms and looked away.

'The game will involve Kyon and I staying in our respective control centers coordinating everybody else's movements on the ground.' Haruhi explained. 

'Wait, so are you telling us that you guys get to sit around while the rest of us do the work for you?' Tsuruya once again spoke out.

'Yep.'

'I am so in.' Tsuruya smiled.

'Yep. But the flags will be very well hidden so you guys have to check every milk and cranny alright? Also we have to defend the flags from the opposing team.' Haruhi nodded her head.

'H-How are we supposed to do that?' Mikuru asked meekly.

Haruhi rubbed her chin and gave a grin at Mikuru. 'You can run away with the flag and hide it in a different place... you can fight the guy... but since we're girls we practically have no chance if we fight against them right?'

'Yes.' Mikuru nodded nervously.

'So you'll have to seduce the guy into giving you his flag instead.' Haruhi grinned.

'Whaaaa' Mikuru panicked as she squinted her eyes.

'Uhm, permission to speak ma'am.' Tsuruya raised a hand.

'Granted.' Haruhi.

'OR we can just shout BLOODY RAPE BLOODY RAPE and people will come and beat up the guy for us.' Tsuruya shouted out as she demonstrated the motion of a womans struggling.

'That's a superb idea!'

'B-But that could get the guy hurt! A-And imprisoned.' Mikuru tried to explain.

'Don't worry we'll bail the guy out at the end of the game.' Haruhi said.

'What if it lasts more than a day?'

'Then the guy will have to stay in jail for more than a day.' Haruhi lifted her chest and said out. 'Sucks to be him then!'

* * *

'So you're telling me that you fell into a state of hysterical emo-crying in front of Haruhi during one of your dates.' 

'Yes. Taniguchi yes.'

'Wow. Just wow.' Taniguchi stared at Kyon from the opposite end of the room and he rubbed his chin, observing Kyon closely. He then said casually. 'That never happened to me.'

'Yeah, well it's hard for that situation to come up if your date with her lasted only 5 minutes.' Kyon looked out the window with a blank expression. 

'That is so it Kyon! I'm leaving! You can play your little game without me!' and with that an aggravated Taniguchi came storming out of the room. Kyon watched him go like nothing and he then turned and looked at Kunikida.

'What?' Kunikida said to Kyon. 'No. I'm not following him.'

'Okaay.' Kyon tried to gather his thoughts. 'Where was I...?'

'You were done explaining the game rules as I remember.' Koizumi gave an asskissing smile. 

'Wow, Koizumi. Without Haruhi here you just ass kiss to the nearest authority figure don't you? Like me.' Kyon said to his brigade member.

'That's the only way to survive in the jungle, Kyon.' Taniguchi gave a smile. _Sure, **that's** my reason..._

'Anyway, since we're all done hiding our flags. I'm going to distribute these walkie-talkies.' Kyon took out a box from his bag and he then distributed a set of light-blue walkie-talkies to everyone. Or as I prefer to call them... two way radios. Koizumi stared down at the contraption and he began flipping some switches. In a matter of minutes he's already familiarized himself with the equipment. Kunikida too was able to familiarize himself with the item.

With the radio in front of his mouth Kyon began the general sound test. 'Hello, this is Kyon... uhm... ok... one... two... sound check... did anyone here that?'

'Yep.' Kunikida raised his hand in the air.

'Yes.' Koizumi gave a soft smile.

'YES!!'

Kyon looked down at his radio with his eyebrows crossed. 'What the he-- Haruhi!? Get off the frequency!'

'Noooooooo...!'

'What? How, are you using the same model of... is that mine?' 

'No. You gave it to me remember?'

'What? I remember no such thing!'

'Neither do I Kyon.'

'Anyway Kyon!' Haruhi's voice was heard through all three radios. 'Do you know what I call this?'

'Being annoying.'

'No. Psychological warfare! PSYCHO-LOGICAL WAR-FARE.'

'Great.' Kyon covered his mouthpiece. 'We should find other things to use for communication.' 

'That would be a smart idea.' Koizumi said to Kyon... with guess what? A smile. (Groan)

'PSYCHOLOGI-- Beep-- Wait, somebody's on the line... Hell-oh?' Haruhi asked. 'Oh hi mom. Hey Kyon.'

'What!?'

'It's your mother.'

'What is she doing in this frequency?' 

'I don't know. Oh here she is.'

'Kyon.'

'Hi mom.' Kyon signaled the other two to turn off their radios. The two followed obviously 'Good afternoon to you.'

'Yes hi. I just wanted to tell you to drop by some groceries on your way home alright? We're running out of food for Shamisen and also... nevermind. Have a nice day now.' 

'Uhm sure mother.'

'Ok. I guess I'd better be going now. Watch over Haruhi and your sister always ok?'

'Ok.'

'Oh wait!'

'What is it Haruhi?' Kyon's mother asked.

* * *

'Kyon... is no longer a virgin! See ya!' and with that Haruhi turned off her radio. She gave a smirk and she showed it to the girls in the room. 'Pure genius. Now that's mental warfare for you. You break the enemy right before the war and the war's practically yours.' Haruhi lectured her teammates. 

'That was smart. Kyon's probably frozen in time right now Haruhi.' Tsuruya said to her.

'Yep yep.'

'By the way is that true?'

Haruhi's smile slowly faded and she slowly turned red. Turning away to hide her awkward emotion Haruhi said. 'No. Of course not nothing's happened between us yet.'

'Suuuuuuuuuure...'

'Enough of that!' Haruhi picked her bag from the floor and she slowly opened it. With excitement in her eyes Mikuru Asahina began feeling more and more worried. Probably because she was thinking that this was yet another of Haruhi's costumes for her. But it wasn't. 

Haruhi slowly slid out a silver plastic bag and she placed it at the table as to where the girls were seated. 

'What's this?' Mikuru curiously looked at the bag.

'This is...'

Silence. 

'Why are you pausing?'

'To build up the dramatic suspense. Inside this bag is an item that will bring us victory.' Haruhi slowly pulled out the black notebook. 'This is... a... DEATH NOTE!!'

Silence. 

'Ring any bells anybody?' Haruhi asked around. She received no response. 'It's that thing that Shinigami write on when they want to kill somebody. You can like write down the details of the person's death and stuff. You know? Death Note? That detective anime? The really, really popular detective anime? Shinigami? Ryuk?'

More silence. 

'What? I thought Shinigami were like guys in Kimonos walking around with swords that turn into baboons and stuff.'

'No Tsuruya, that's bleach.'

'Ohhhh.'

'Yep. Anyway, I'm going to use this Death Note to...'

'Kill somebody? Pl-Please don't do that! That's taking it too far!' Mikuru was close to breaking down and crying.

But Haruhi simply explained. 'Nah, I doubt that this thing will be able to kill somebody. I just bought it in some random anime store so it'd probably be only able to knock a guy into a coma for just a couple of days. But in that couple of days we shall achieve our victory! And we shall drink from the fountain of their defeat!!' Haruhi raised her fist into the air. 'Now, to test it out.'

Haruhi pulled out a pen and she opened the Death Note.

'Suzumiya-san are you sure about this?' Mikuru asked nervously.

'Nope. But God help me if this really kills somebody. Otherwise...' she cheerfully said. '...victory is so ours!!'

* * *

'Kyon. Just breathe.' Kunikida was saying to Kyon as he was patting his shoulders. 'I know that Haruhi didn't mean to say that. Ok now that I think about it maybe she **did** mean to say that. But think about it this way; now that she told that to your parents you can tell **her** parents that you took her virginity.'

'What?' Kyon turned to Kunikida. 'That's stupid.'

'Why?'

'Because if I did that. They'd kill me.'

'Oh yeah. Girl's parents are that way. Sorry for my failure of a suggestion.' 

'Don't worry about it.' Kyon gave a long sigh. He tried returning his focus as he began a short breathing exercise. After a while Kyon was able to return his composure. 'Ok... tomorrow we begin the flag placements ok? So go to school early. As for now, let's call it a day, I have to go home and explain things to my parents.'

'Yes.' Koizumi and Kunikida nodded as they picked up their bags and prepared to leave the room. Then suddenly...

'Wawawa wasuremono...' Taniguchi hummed as he entered the room casually. Then suddenly. 'Oouah!!' He collapsed.

'Hey Taniguchi. Get up. I'm not inviting you back just because of this you know. Taniguchi... Taniguchi... Hey Taniguchi... why isn't he moving?'

'Kyon... What's that white stuff coming out of his mouth?' 

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *


End file.
